Wisdom from a Froyo Shop

Rebuke without correction leads to frustration.  Errr? 

Okay—so, let me give you a little bit of backstory.  One day, when I was in college, I decided to go get myself a great, big waffle cone filled with golden vanilla froyo—probably had some Oreo crumbles on top.  You know what I’m saying?  You gotta have good toppings.  And because the day was pleasant, I decided to sit right outside the yogurt shop at one of the patio tables. Well, I don’t know who exactly it was that I sat next to, but there were two people who were obviously involved in a very deep discussion.  And looking back—with me being the spiritual person that I am, I believe God planted me right next to these people on purpose.  Because I could hear what they were saying.  And I wasn’t even trying to be nosy, but this is the wisdom I overheard one of them drop: 

Rebuke without correction leads to frustration.  I’m gonna say it again—rebuke without correction leads to frustration.  And for some reason, those words have stuck with me to this day.  I was probably about nineteen years old at the time, and I won’t tell you how old I am now--but understand quite a few years have passed since that day.  And at the time when I heard those words, I had no idea that I would go on to be a child and adolescent psychiatrist.  But now—now these words make complete sense to me. 

Let me give you my interpretation of what that saying means to me as a child and adolescent psychiatrist: if you criticize a child because of the way he’s acting, you’d better tell him the way you want him to act, otherwise he’s going to get frustrated.  Okay, I’m gonna give you an example.  So, I take two adult ballet classes each week.  And let me just go ahead and tell you the truth about the thing—on a good day, about 60% of the time, I pretty much know what I’m doing, but for the other 40% of the time, I really don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m just standing in the back of the studio—you know--just making up some stuff—whatever comes naturally.  I didn’t take ballet as a child, so as an adult I’ve still got to be trained.  And thank God, I have a very kind, experienced, and patient teacher.  If I’m not doing something right, she’s gonna tell me it’s wrong, but then she takes the time to show me the right way to do it.  Let’s say the teacher says, “Do a balancé” and I pull a stunt like this right here--she’s gonna say, “No, that’s not right.  Actually, she’d probably laugh.  But after she finished laughing, she’d probably tell me, “No, that’s not it at all.”  But then she’d say, “let me show you how to do it.” And then she’d proceed to show me.  Rebuke followed by correction.  Criticism followed by correction.  Now, let’s say she didn’t offer the correction.  And she said, “Do a balance,” and I go like this right here again.  What would it be like if she said, “Oh, no!  That’s not it all.  If fact, that was terrible!  Go sit in that corner and don’t come out until you can get it together!”  Then you know what--I’m gonna be frustrated.  I’m gonna be frustrated because, apparently, I’m doing it wrong, but I don’t know how else to do it.  So, what if she finally lets me out of the corner and says, “Okay.  Now are you ready to do a balance?”  And I—eager to please—muster up enough courage to say “yes” and then try again like this right here because I don’t know how else to do it.  She’s gonna be frustrated. I’m gonna be frustrated.  And then I might do like this right here:  I might get so frustrated that I fall on the studio floor, roll around, and have me a big old adult tantrum. 

Okay, so did you get my point?  Sometimes parents rebuke their children because of their misbehavior but don’t provide correction.  They may find themselves saying “What is your problem?  Have you lost your mind?  Sit down! Shut up!  Don’t you talk back to me like that!”  Rebuke, rebuke, rebuke, rebuke.  And, in the midst of all the fussing, you haven’t told them how you expect them to behave instead.  So, if your child is displaying inappropriate behavior—rebuke, yes, but also correct.  Here’s an example: Mia—do not raise your voice at me.  Show me some respect by slowing down, looking me in my face, and talking softly.  Got it?  Alright, I’m Dr. K with Mental Health | Plain Speak.  I hope this content will be helpful to you.  I feel like this information falls in the realm of wisdom for the masses, but still, talk to your child’s health care provider before implementing any of the suggestions I make in these talks.  And remember, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”