This May Be One of the Fastest Ways You Can Transform Your Relationships

Hey Guys!

This morning, I want to share with you a skill set that may very well be one of the fastest ways to transform your relationship with others.

So, if you’re new to me, I’m Dr. K Martin also known as Dr. K.  I’m both a child and adolescent psychiatrist and general psychiatrist based in the Southeast.  My goal with these brief posts is to provide you with quick and easy access to information about mental health.   Keep in mind that this information is not meant to serve as a substitute for your personal mental health care.  Please talk to your provider before implementing any suggestions that I mention in these posts.  The topic for today is The Speaker - Listener Technique.

Now, I was introduced to this technique by our family therapy supervisor during my child and adolescent psychiatry fellowship.  After she shared it with us, I was like “Oh, my goodness, I love this!”  It just made so much sense to me.  And I started using the skill set almost everywhere — at work with patients, of course, but also with friends and family.  

Now the whole point of the speaker-listener technique is to improve communication to facilitate understanding.  In practice, I especially found this helpful when working with couples or with parents and their adolescents.  The technique gives you a framework for becoming a more effective listener and also for becoming a more effective speaker.  So, let me give you the set up and the rules:

There are two jobs, as you might have guessed from the name of the technique.  There is the job of the listener and the job of the speaker.  One of the main things to remember with this is that you cannot be both the listener and the speaker at the same time.  If you are listening, your only job is to listen.  This keeps you from jumping in and interrupting the speaker.  Oftentimes, that’s where communication breaks down — because people keep interrupting each other.  Now, of those two jobs, listening is the most important, by far.  In fact, the job of listening is so important that our family therapy supervisor repeated over and over again —listening is the fix.  Listening is the fix.  If you want to improve a relationship, one of the best ways to do so is to listen to the other person in the relationship.  And I really mean listen.

Now, there are some steps you have to remember and put into practice if you are going to be an effective listener.  And here they are:

Step number one: imagine what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes.  You’ll want to do this so that you can be as empathetic and compassionate as possible while you are listening.

Step number two: listen without thinking about what you want to say.  A lot of times, when another person is talking to us, we’re in our own heads trying to come up with our comeback.  This can especially be the case when the other person is saying something we disagree with.  But, if you’re in your own head thinking about what you want to say, you’re not listening.  Instead, I want you to settle yourself down and really listen to what the other person is saying.

Step number three: When the other person finishes talking, you’ll need to summarize and repeat out loud — in a few words or phrases — what you heard the other person say. If you don’t remember it all, just summarize what you remember. The other person may correct you or clarify if needed. And you’ll say something like this — ”So, what I think I heard you say was” — then you’ll put into words the gist of what you heard the other person say.” Now, this step is the one that is usually missing in everyday conversation, and--if you ask me — this is the most critical step. It’s called reflection — where you repeat back what you heard the other person say — and it truly shows that you were listening. Even with just this step, you’ll probably notice the other person relaxing because it shows that you were really tuned in. And I’ve noticed people — across the board — appreciate this. And another thing you’ll probably notice, if you engage in reflective listening, is that the other person will open up and want to talk more. So, let them talk some more. And then you’ll repeat back the gist of what you heard them say. And then, they may want to talk some more. And then you’ll repeat back the gist of what you heard them say again until they are all talked out. Yes, this takes some patience, but it is worth it. Why? Number one — because the other person will often feel validated after you have listened attentively without interrupting them and you’ve listened so attentively that you could summarize what they said. Number two — you'll likely notice that the other person relaxes significantly. I’ve found this one of the most useful tools for keeping a situation from spiraling into crazy. When a person becomes angry or upset, I’ve learned that the best way to keep the situation from spiraling out of control is to start listening reflectively. I listen to what the other person says, and then I repeat back to them the gist of it. If they want to say some more, I repeat the process. What I’ve noticed is that the level of anger in the other person steadily decreases the more I listen.

So, to summarize, the jobs of the listener are three-fold. The listener must 1) imagine what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes, 2) listen without thinking about what you want to say, and finally, 3) repeat back what you heard the other person say.

Remember, listening is the fix. And one of the keys to being a good listener is to resist taking over the role as the speaker. Listen until the other person is finished talking, and then at that point, you can switch into the role of the speaker.

When you are in the role of the speaker, you must remember a couple of key points:

Never attack the listener. Avoid name calling and accusations. Avoid extreme words like “always” and “never.” Try to avoid starting your sentences with the word “you,” because it sounds as if you are attacking. So, statements like this--“You’re always taking other people’s side. You never take into consideration my needs.”--may inflame the listener and provoke them to start defending themselves instead of listening to you. Instead, you’ll want to speak as honestly and as openly as possible but avoid the inflammatory words I just mentioned.  You’ll want to talk about how the other person’s behavior affects your feelings and your own behavior.  For example, if the other person has offended you by yelling, cursing, and speaking in an abrasive and condescending tone, you might say something like this: “When you yell, curse, and talk to me like I’m some child, it makes me feel so angry and upset that I shut down.  And I don’t want to be around you.  And honestly, I start to hate you.”

Now, at this point, you want to state how you wish the other person to act instead.  This is critical.  It is so important for you to assert what you need from the other person to maintain the relationship.  The other person may not have any idea how to make things better unless YOU TELL THEM.  So, in the example we discussed before, you might say this: “When you yell, curse, and talk to me like I’m some child, it makes me feel so angry and upset that I shut down.  And I don’t want to be around you.  And honestly, I start to hate you.  I just wish that you would take some time and calm down before you talk to me.  Don’t curse at me.  Don’t yell.  That’s not okay with me.  Calm down and talk without shouting.”  You’ll likely find yourself feeling relieved that you’ve asserted how you want that person’s behavior to change to maintain the relationship with you.

So, to summarize the job of the speaker, as the speaker, you must speak openly and honestly without attacking the listener.  Talk about how the other person’s behavior affects your own feelings and behavior.  And most importantly, clearly communicate how you need the other person’s behavior to change in order to maintain the relationship.

Alright, I hope you’ve found this technique helpful.  Keep in mind that in order for this to be most effective, you’ll want to eliminate distractions.  Turn off devices and give the other person your full attention.  If you are hoping to use this technique to resolve conflict within your family or organization, it’s important that everyone is on board, so whoever is included in the discussion needs to be aware of the jobs of both the speaker and the listener.  Also, it’s best to set aside a mutually agreed upon time to have a conversation using this technique so that everyone is in the best frame of mind possible.  This technique takes some practice so grant yourself some grace as you get started.

Folks, let’s make it our business to understand mental illness and those who struggle against mental illness.  I’m Dr. K, and this has been Mental Health | Plain Speak.  And remember, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”