This Could Be One of The Fastest Ways to Eliminate Stress
Okay. So, I know I may look crazy to you this morning. But honestly, I don’t even care. Why? Because I am providing you with an illustration.
It’s called a high block. I learned it in karate class. Okay, so obviously, I am not a martial arts expert — I'm a blue belt and haven’t been to a class in about 10 years. But that’s okay, just roll with it.
I want you to store in your mind the memory of me doing a high block and then use it as a reminder to say the word no. The word “no” is your high block. In martial arts, using a high block can save you from serious injury by an opponent. Using the word “no” can save you from serious injury in life. Saying “no” can actually be the fastest way to de-stress your life.
So, if you’re new to me, I’m Dr. K Martin also known as Dr. K. I’m both a child and adolescent psychiatrist and general psychiatrist based in the Southeast. My goal with these brief posts is to provide you with quick and easy access to information about mental health. Do note, however, this information is not meant to serve as a substitute for your personal mental health care. Please talk to your provider before implementing any suggestions that I mention in these posts. Again, the topic for today’s post is Setting Boundaries to Lessen Your Stress.
There are some of you out there who have no boundaries and never say “no,” and, as a result, your life sucks. People take advantage of you, use you, mistreat you, and you can even acknowledge that you are everyone’s doormat.
I’m going to encourage you to use the word “no.”
You see, the word “no” is a very powerful word. Just ask any toddler. But toddlers get socialized so that they stop saying “no” all the time. I understand. Children have to learn respect for authority and for rules in order to get along in this world.
But it could be that some of you were raised in very chaotic and abusive environments where you didn’t believe you could ever say “no” to anything, because any sort of resistance could have resulted in direct harm to you.
But let me tell you something, you are grown now. You are an adult. You are an autonomous individual with the freedom to say “no” when you need to. So, I need you to take a deep breath, and just start saying “no” when it makes sense to do so.
When someone asks you to do something that does not align with your core values or your personal goals, say “no.” If something is not your responsibility, then say “no.” Don’t let other people dump on you. When saying “yes” may cost your peace or your sanity, say “no.” If saying “yes” may cause you some sort of physical or psychological harm, say “no.” And if you are in a violent or dangerous situation, it may be best to involve the police to help you set boundaries.
You cannot live life as a doormat and expect to fulfill your purpose or destiny or become the best version of yourself if you cannot set boundaries.
In life, there are people who engage in leech-like behavior. They use people as a means-to-an-end and act very much like parasites. They do so because their environment has somehow allowed this and reinforced this. And people who have grown up in emotionally, sexually, or physically abusive households may find themselves unconsciously drawn to such people who engage in parasitic behavior, because the unconscious part of our psyches are drawn to the familiar, even if the familiar is wretched. People, I need you to open your eyes and see the situation around you and determine if you need to say “no” and find a way to free yourself from the situation. I had a patient who was literally held hostage for months by her partner, and I wondered how in the world such a thing could occur. But in working with her, I realized she grew up in a household where important physical boundaries were breached, and as a child, this was all out of her control. Once she left home, she knew nothing about boundaries or how to set them, and she ended up trapped in an abusive situation again, much like she was trapped in her own home growing up.
Now, for many of you, circumstances aren’t this grave or pressing, but you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed and stressed out on the regular. It’s probably because you haven’t used your high block — the word “no” — enough.
Many people I know and that I’ve worked with feel obligated to say “yes” when their inner voice is shouting “no.” That’s because there’s this unspoken social pressure that is being exerted by the other person that’s doing the asking. People end up saying “yes” when they really want to say “no” because they fear that the relationship with the other person may be damaged in some way if they say “no.” Well, let me tell you this, if you say “yes” and you don’t mean it, often \times you will be stuck with a situation you never intended and you end up resenting the person you said “yes” to when you really should have said “no.” So, let me give you some tips for saying “no.”
Try to be tactful in the way you say “no.” And here’s a few ways how:
Say no but offer other options that are agreeable to you. For example, let’s say your cousin asks to borrow your car to go across town to pick up some parts he needs to fix his own car. Last time, he used up most of your gas, didn’t offer payment, and left fast food wrappers in the front seat. On the inside, you’re shouting “no” but part of you feels obligated because he’s family. You could be authentic and say, “Sorry man, not this time because you burned up all my gas and trashed up my car. But I’ve got some time tomorrow at noon to run you over to get the parts.” Done. You’ve offered what you could. He can take it or leave it.
Another way to be tactful is to tell the person making the request that you need some time to think about it. Don’t immediately yield to the weight of interpersonal pressure and say “yes.” Tell the person you need some time. Then really, take some time to think through the consequences of saying “yes.” Will saying “yes” come at a significant cost to your peace, health, or sanity? Will saying “yes” set up an unhealthy pattern of you being misused or mistreated? Does what’s being asked of you conflict with your personal goals or core beliefs? If it does, then say “no.” And it’ll be so much easier to do so because you’ve taken the time to process the consequences of saying “yes.” And it could work out that while they were waiting for your response, they found another solution not involving you.
Another way to be tactful is to explain to the other person what would need to happen in order for you to say yes. For example, if a boss asks that you take on another project that you know is going to overwhelm you, you could say, “Thanks for considering me for this project. But I’m dedicating all of my time and attention to finishing these other two projects that you’ve already assigned. If you want me to table these other two projects in order to work on the new one, then I’ll take it on. However, if you want me to complete these two projects with excellence, then I’m going to need to say “no” or wait until I finish with my existing ones. Set the boundary. Define what you are able to do and what you simply cannot do.
Now, I want to shift gears and address what needs to happen if you decide you should say “yes.” You need to set all kinds of boundaries up front and stick to them. Here’s a simple example. A good friend but a very long-winded friend, calls you up and asks if she can talk to you about something. You know this is about to be a crazy-long conversation so when this happened before, you’d usually just brace yourself and hope for the best. You’d reason that this is a good friend, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings. Well, look, if you don’t learn to set boundaries, this relationship probably won’t last too long. You may start to resent this friend for not being respectful of your time and the things you have to do. You might start seeing her name flash on your phone and you avoid answering altogether because you don’t want to be held hostage on the phone. Instead of allowing the relationship to be sacrificed, set a boundary up front. “Hey Lisa, I’ve got about ten minutes I can spare, but then I’ve got to get back to work.” Stick to the ten minutes and then end the conversation, even if it seems awkward.
Bottom line is this. I want you to learn how to use your authentic voice and speak up. Say “no” when it makes sense to say “no.” When everything inside of you is shouting, “no” don’t betray yourself and say “yes.” Be true to yourself, and you may save yourself headaches, heartaches, and a lot of undue stress.
And especially remember this: it only takes a second to say “no.” It may be awkward for a while between yourself and the person who made the request, but then on the other side of that awkwardness, there is freedom. Freedom. You didn’t end up stuck in a situation or with a responsibility that you never intended. With the word “no,” you maintained your freedom. And once you start saying “no” and realizing how liberating it can be, then it will be easier and easier to set boundaries to protect your mental health. I encourage you--use your high block when you need to. Use that high block.
Folks, let’s make it our business to understand mental illness and those who struggle against mental illness. I’m Dr. K, and this has been Mental Health | Plain Speak. And remember, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
